Madam, I have heard of the film The Longest Day and am wondering if Herefordshire council are going to make one called the Longest Three Weeks? It would start with a meeting to decide the best time to attack the two canoe launches in the area.

The team would decide that the best time would be at peak season when the tourists invade Ross and the Wye Valley with their boats. To cause maximum confusion the locals would be told fences were to be erected for a three week period for improvements to be made.

Scene 2. Bring in the troops and start cutting down trees and digging in to stop the invaders from landing. Leak some news that Kerne Bridge work would be finished before Ross starts and the plan should fall into place.

The film would then show the both sites closed off and the area secured from the invaders. There would be some protests from the locals so an emergency landing stage would be installed. This would be so steep that people landing with Canadian canoes would have maximum difficulty getting them up the slope without pulleys and rope which the local canoe companies would have to carry in the vehicles.

The final scene would be the troops rejoicing that the season has now ended and it is mid-October. The plan had worked. Locals had forgotten the three week promise and would get used to the new defence fences still protecting us from invasion from the riverbank. I have a clip from the film of the Kerne Bridge defences which I have supplied with this letter.

Mike Barnard,

Ross