MADAM, I write in response to Andrew Meek's letter on drunken disorder in last week's Ross Gazette. Unfortunately, like Range Rovers don't do mud, politicians don't do facing up to stuff. It's all too profitable.
And anyway they know if they close their eyes tightly and hold, ever such a deep breath, by the time they exhale, problems just, well, magic away. But it's not all their fault. I seem to remember everyone round here being jolly pleased there were no extra taxes on paint stripper white cider.
What the last government was trying to do was create a café society. But they forgot about us – the Brits, as scary to our Continental cousins as New Yorkers are to Americans. We drink to get drunk not to ease philisophical discussion on the merits of proportional representation or, is white the new black.
However there just may be a solution. In the UK there are thousands of old laws, by-laws and rights that have never been repealed. Unless I'm QI Alan Daviesing myself I believe eating Christmas pudding is still illegal. Ross is an ancient town. It may have many forgotten rights that are still extant.
What we're looking for is to relieve West Mercia plods of their duties within the town after dark. In which case we contract our nocturnal policing to the Chinese People's Ministry of Public Security. We wouldn't need them long.
David Williams, Ross