A selection of Ross-on-Wye’s finest cricketers assembled for a three-day trip to the seaside town of Torquay, on Wednesday, June 22nd. With a mixture of youth and experience, the squad members were expected to deliver both on and off the field.

The journey south was significantly delayed when Kinger managed to forget his wallet; this rather brainless slipup from the supposed graduate was an unfortunate sign of things to come! However, once on the road, the Five Acres minibus made excellent time in arriving at the delightful Toorak Hotel at 1.30pm.

Graham ‘Lidzo’ Howls was appointed captain for the first game. Barton CC played host to this match and, due to a delayed start, a pulsating warm-up game of football ensued with the ‘Old Boys’ running out 6-5 winners. Stu Mair’s finish after some wonderful interplay between the experienced campaigners was a notable highlight.

The Ross squad had made the most of the extended drinking time and so it was not quite clear which side won the toss. Anyway, Ross batted first with opener Cinders – normally a lower order batsman – offering several lusty blows alongside smart running. As the batsmen were cheered on from the side-lines, the beer continued to flow and so it was no surprise that Ross wickets fell at regular intervals. Some heavy hitting from Kinger encouraged Cinders to stop his boring batting and the total edged towards the 150 mark. This was the moment for skipper Lidzo to enter the game and he did so in style. Not only one of Ross’ most talented batsmen, but also one of Ross’ finest drinkers, the club stalwart managed to swing all around his first ball, a juicy full-toss, before ending up on his backside. After further entertainment, the innings came to end with Ross reaching 157 for 9, Cinders top scoring with 51.

Following a hearty tea of beer, the squad trooped out not particularly keen on the prospect of fielding. The Barton openers made the most of some unsurprisingly sloppy fielding from the tourists, compiling a partnership of 89. Once the breakthrough was made by Richie J, the wickets continued to fall and Barton fell behind the required run rate. Inspired field placings and bowling changes meant that the home side ended up two runs short, despite some generous umpiring decisions by a well-lubricated Timmy D.

An excellent BBQ was put on by the local club before the celebrations then moved into central Torquay where the famous Green Ginger (as recommended by our resident Young Farmer Longy) played host to one of the finest dance performances ever witnessed in the United Kingdom. Fresh from leading his team to victory, Lidzo entertained the full squad, along with Barton’s Australian overseas player, to an unforgettable show.

The following day, with several sore heads evident, only half of the Hedgehogs squad made the 8.30am breakfast meet, as set out by the strict Fine Master, Longy. Once the early birds had eventually been joined by the remainder of the group, it was agreed to meet by the pool bar where a plan for the day would be agreed. A relaxing afternoon in Torquay was agreed upon, with the morning session set to take place making the most of the hotel’s many facilities. Kinger, in his keenness to retain his ‘Fool of the Day’ title decided that a triple pike with tuck would be the most appropriate way to enter the 1.5m swimming pool and as a result dislocated his shoulder! After a good 45 minutes spent easing Kinger through the pain of both his shoulder injury and his hangover, a couple of friendly paramedics came to escort him away much to the amusement of the rest of the tour party.

The afternoon saw the group split up to enjoy the various restaurants, arcades and watering holes on offer in Torquay. Lidzo and Wayward Wayne in particular were quick to look for any opportunity to fuel their bodies with the appropriate carbohydrates required for the evening match that lay ahead.

4pm saw the return of Kinger from the hospital, heavily strapped in an industrious sling and still looking rather spaced-out as a result of a few heavy morphine doses. Thankfully, this meant that the full squad was now reassembled and the Hedgehogs were able to head off towards Dartington & Totnes CC for the second game of the tour. After some speedy country lane driving from Stevey Cole, arrival at the wonderfully picturesque ground offered the perfect opportunity for a team photo.

In a similar vein to the first game, captain selection was based entirely upon who was enjoying their drink the most that day and so it was that Wayward was elected captain for the second T20 match. Ross took to the field in typical tour style, failing to create any pressure on the batsman who were able to score freely. After being ‘chased’ by the ball for several overs, Brian the Bar became the second casualty of the tour, falling heavily as he made yet another diving stop at mid-off. Throughout the innings, whether due to tactical nous or wanting to give everyone a game, Wayward rotated his bowlers at regular intervals in the hope that something would slow down the scoring rate. Sadly, such tactics failed although notable scalps were picked up by Richie J and the skipper himself and Dartington ended up reaching 169 for 3 from their 20 overs.

The Ross openers, Richie J and Jim, began the chase cautiously before the latter fell for his second duck of the tour. This brought the previous day’s hero, the one and only man on fire, Lidzo, to the crease and he started his innings playing aggressively, taking the attack to the home team’s bowlers. In spite of some heavy hitting from Big H, the visitor’s innings never really got going as wickets continued to regularly fall. Ross were unable to find the boundary as often as required, ending up seven wickets down, 27 runs short of the target, with Lidzo 52.

Before the Hedgehogs headed back to the hotel to prepare for a second evening on the town, the post-game entertainments included a couple of excellent games of Spoof as well as a tour presentation to the opposition captain. Back in the Green Ginger, the young members of the group enjoyed an exceptionally cheap but fulfilling curry while the elder gentlemen headed further out of town for a more up market and tasty Indian affair. Following the refuel, Park Lane nightclub again hosted the tourists as they danced the night aways.

Day three will be a day that will certainly go down in history as the Hedgehogs awoke to the EU Referendum news and to the news that the ‘Old Boys’ had gone ahead with their mackerel fishing trip, even with heavy rain hammering the hotel windows. The remaining squad members enjoyed a late breakfast and a well-deserved recovery session in the spa before heading down into Torquay to locate the fishermen and to help them dry out. Although apparently outshone by some London fishing experts, the Old Boys were still in high spirits with Stevey Cole, in particular, happy to show off his catch. A delicious carvery tour lunch was then enjoyed and this concluded with the end of tour awards, as chosen by Nigel:Best bowling average: Timmy D; Most wickets: Richie J Best tour friend: Keith; Zero hero: Jim; Best tourist: Lidzo.

Back on the road with Richie J at the wheel, the minibus made painfully slow progress back up the M5 on the journey home to Ross. However, after five hours of driving and five meals for Big H, the Hedgehogs made it to The Park at 9.30pm.

A highly entertaining, relaxing and memorable tour was had by all and thanks must go to Nigel for his precise and thorough scoring (even during his loo breaks!) and to Steve and Harry for organising the arrangements and, most importantly, for organising all of the players.